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Canada 83-1

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1. CAN 83-1 Gururaj. What shall we talk about tonight? Questioner. I wonder on this Course whether you would like to speak ......love ...... (inaudible) Gururaj. I would rather prefer during my own teachings but we would touch and quote from them as we go along. Any particular question would be nice. Questioner. Gururaj, when people talk of love and marriage between two people they refer to it as a bond. When people get married they call it the bonds of marriage and the ties that bind and marriage is a relationship between two people. Is it meant to be a bond between two people and does the word bond go deeper than the actual? Gururaj. Many people when they fall in love with each other as the saying goes, although love is elevating but when two people get together they think that they formed a bond, but most times what happens is that they have gone into bondage. Bond is something that brings about freedom and not bondage. Bondage is servitude, bondage is enclosing oneself building walls within oneself and you can’t hear at what’s happening outside and neither what’s happening inside. So the greatest obstacles we find in marriages today is bondage instead of bond. Now what is a bond, that is the question. Where does this bond come from? How far does it go back and what are the causes of the bond? Bond means to bind. When two people are bound together in beauty, in oneness and in joy, then it ceases to be bondage because as I said bondage is an encumbrance. But the freedom that one experiences in the bond between two people would be like two flowers growing in the same garden so close to each other and yet both are growing individually and so similarly because of the same species. The qualities required in the bond is, firstly it starts with physical, mental attraction but that is not where it should end because if it should just be a physical or mental attraction then definitely it would end. For a man might seem very handsome to a woman but in a few weeks time he will just be a man and the same thing applies to the woman. She could be very beautiful but in a few weeks or some months when the honeymoon period is over, the attraction would cease, it’s like buying a new motorcar and having the new motorcar you would enjoy it for a few weeks so, so much but then after that you get tired of it and it’s nothing else but a car that takes you from point A to point B. Now when there is bondage then definitely there is dependency - man on the woman or the woman on the man and dependency of course is weakness where we use the spouse as a crutch, we use a spouse to vent our inner turmoils, the

2. CAN 83-1 inner turbulences, job difficulties, communication difficulties and we take it out on the wife or the husband because bondage to repeat again is dependence. But in the bond of love there is independence. And I said this before two people in love not necessarily look into each other’s eyes, but two pairs of eyes look in the same direction, you see. And to preserve this, to have the bond, the bond might have roots in many lives past perhaps where there has been a great love, a great bond and then in this life because of the attraction, because as a magnet would attract filings, they would come together even from the opposite sides of the world, circumstance would happen by that supernatural force, that supernatural gravitational force, if you would like to call it, that would bring those two people together. Now in the bond you are bound with positive qualities. You become more responsible, you become more caring, you put the other person before you and you take a secondary place. That the man does and the same thing the woman does. The woman would say he is important and the man would say no she is important and when both have that attitude, would be like climbing a ladder from two sides and meeting up at the centre where they stand equal. So it might start with dependence but one grows, outgrows the dependence and come interdependent that one could not do without the other, not in the sense of a crutch but just by the sheer force of what is known to be love. But that is not where the story ends. I was speaking to someone the other day that even interdependence must cease. So from dependence you go to interdependence and then you go to independence and yet the love, the deep love remains. Now for the deep love to remain is a job you have to work at it. Self sacrifice not from one party only because people tend always to demand more from the other party, more than what they deserve. So the principle is this deserve it and then you can demand and that principle is applied to both parties then a greater harmony exists between them. I have known many cases, for example myself, I might just think of having a cup of tea and here the tea would be coming along, she would be bringing it to me. A total closeness where even the thoughts are known before they are uttered. Do you see? So this is brought about by devotion, sacrifice and a total mergence into each other where you do not say ‘I love you’. Love comes between the I and the you. The ‘I’ must vanish. The ‘You’ must vanish because that causes a separation. Love brings about a togetherness and not a separation. You don’t say ‘I’ because as soon as you say ‘I’ your exerting your own personality, your own little ego self, you own little selfishnesses, your own little greeds, your own littl e lusts. And ‘You’ means the same that I do not regard you as myself, you are apart from me. So these words are used so much where the true context is not really understood. I love you - ‘I’ and ‘You’ - separation is there. Only love must be there and one would say ‘I am you’ and that is to be said by both so that her pains would be your pains, your joys would be her joys. So here comes sharing - the initial stages where you share but you still

3. CAN 83-1 go further. You don’t share anymore, for when your beloved is regarded to be yourself then with whom are you going to share? You can only share with someone that is apart from you. So even the question of sharing disappears. The question of devotion disappears. The question of sacrifice also disappears as long as the ‘I’ and ‘You’ are there. But when only love is there, then none of these very relative qualities which are necessary in the beginning stages, we live in a relative life, they are necessary but that is not the ultimateness of the relationship between man and woman. In one of the Eastern languages it is said Pattti ........ (Sanskrit?)................ My husband is my God and it is also said .......... par mee sharri My wife is my Goddess. So the human life, the ordinary physical body is elevated to the level of a God and Goddess. Now what is the difference between a God and a Goddess? None whatsoever because at that level of love God and the Goddess just become an energy. Two aspects of the same energy. One portrays itself with certain qualities and the other with other qualities. Like the qualities that a woman is born with is a great amount of sympathy, a great amount of tolerance, a great amount of patience. Those are womanly qualities and if she did not have qualities like those, she would not be qualified to be a mother. Because all women that have children, if you ask them they will tell you what a job it is to bring up the children. Now the man again has his qualities, the bread winner, the fighter, the protector. So all these qualities are combined, you make a wholeness. In India there is a beautiful statue which a certain sect believe in which is called Parbena Ishvara, Nadia means woman. Ishvara is the male factor and if you look at the statue, it is half woman, half man. So at the level of the God and Goddess that one aspires to and that one has reached, you will find the mergence between the woman and the man so that they function, they walk through life in that beautiful divine oneness. And where there is oneness there is no friction. It takes two to tango as the saying goes. You know this one couple, newly-wed and whenever you find newly-weds somewhere people seem to stare. ‘Ah, they got married, what a nice bride and what a nice groom’. So they are going on their honeymoon. So they agreed with each other so let us behave in such a way not to attract attention, so let people think that we are married for a long time. So the husband says, very easy you carry the bags. (Group laughs). So these things keep on happening. So the ultimate goal is to find that total oneness with either spouse. Speaking of myself I could just close my eyes and have Lata, which is my wife’s name, right in front of me. Totally, Totally, totally , so tangible as if I could touch her. So these things are not impossible. These things are not impossible. For what is making her appear in front of me in a total fullness, tangibleness, not my mind because if it was my mind it would be a

4. CAN 83-1 projection. You can project anything from your mind. It comes from deep within, the hearts have merged. In Indian, in Sanskrit there is a word Ardangana where the woman is half of yourself. You are never total, never complete without that woman. So the completion of a woman lies in having her beloved and the completion of the man lies in having his beloved. So two people cease to be two people, they become one. At first two people walk with four legs but in true union they walk with three legs, they are joined together. I call it the tree-legged run. For the union is not only physical, although because of the biology of man, the physiology of man, a physical union is necessary. And there is nothing wrong with it apart from what some systems talk about celibacy and all that. That’s nonsense. If you had to be a celibate, you would not be born with the organs that you are born with. Excess is no good. Normalcy is always good. And what are we striving for? Normalcy aren’t we, normalcy, a balance. So apart from the physical union comes the mental union. Right. Now the mental union does not necessarily mean that you must have the same interests. You can have opposing interests. The husband might like soccer and the wife might like music. It doesn’t matter. For these are just the outward actions but what are the inner actions of the mind - writing, cooking or music or hockey by the women. The man likes football or soccer whatever the case might be. It is only an expression of the conscious level of the mind. But to go back further deeper, there is still that harmony. You don’t even need to have the same beliefs. I have some friends, they are meditators, and they still go to church. The husband is a Baptist and the wife is a Catholic. So he drops her at her church and after dropping her, he goes to his church. They do their own form of worship and then the husband picks her up again at her church and they go home and live in such beautiful harmony. It reminds me of a story. There was a lady whose daughter was going to get married and she wanted to post about two hundred invitations. So she goes to the Post Office and she says, can you give me some stamps for these invitations. So the clerk asks, “What domination?” So the lady got surprised and says “Has it come to this now, what domination?” She thinks for a moment and she says “Oh, give me a hundred Catholic and a hundred Baptist”. Yes. So these things - do carry on in this world and so purposelessly – when I take out my joke notes .Nirmila always has a smile on her face. This one congregation the minister asked ’Is there anyone here that has no troubles at all at home?’ So you know what people are, they always like to, they don’t always tell the truth, so everyone got up, they had no troubles at home. They don’t want the others to know what troubles they have. So everyone got up except one man, he didn’t get up. So the Minister looks at him and he was wondering - everyone got up and said no troubles at home and this

5. CAN 83-1 one man only. So when he looked around again, he saw that this man was paralysed. So the entire world is going through frictions. The supreme bond, the super-glue is not there - ninety nine, point nine, nine percent of lovers or married couples have their tiffs. You know I said some while ago that if I should meet Marie Stopes, I’d like to shoot her. She advocated sleeping on separate beds, twin beds. No good. Have a double bed, so whatever squabbles there are during the day can be resolved at night because it’s a double bed. Just a touch, just a smile, just a peck on the cheek and all is gone, forgotten, forgiven. It’s easy to forgive but very difficult to forget. The man or the woman would say “I forgive you my darling”. The woman apologises or the man apologises but do they really forget it. Now how does one go about forgetting the little squabbles or major quarrels or whatever that have been? How does one go about doing that? It is only by strengthening ourselves through meditation and spiritual practices. So forgetfulness, as I have said many times before is a great gift given to mankind. If someone has wronged you, the idea of getting one back is totally wrong. For it does not harm the other person, it harms you more. The mind is filled with mental turmoil. Your mind is filled with mental turmoil and it harms you more. Let’s take the case of jealousy. A man is jealous of his wife. Who suffers more, the man himself because he knows that this mental agony and just when he can’t take it anymore, he would blurt out and explode and yet the jealousy can be just imaginary. There could be nothing the good woman would be doing, just imaginary and in that imagination so much trouble is caused. But if the man’s mind is strong, his thought processes were positive, strength gained by meditation then that green eyed monster would not be there. You see. And jealousy of course is based mostly one’s sense of inadequacy, insecurity that I am not worth it. There is no such thing. Everyone is worth it. On a more intimate level, the man might think that physically I might not be satisfying my wife. But do you create the conditions, do you just want to go to bed and copulate? No. If you want to go to bed at ten o clock at night, the whole love process must start here from the afternoon already and not caressing each another when you are lying in bed. It’s wrong. It’s a gradual process from the afternoon, little teasings and merrymaking and laughter and togetherness and that’s it is starts and then it builds up and builds up and builds up to a crescendo where the husband and wife want to be together, really together. Because here by building up that crescendo, all inhibitions are lost, by building up to it. All self consciousness is lost and that’s important to get rid of inhibitions that one has in one’s mind and the surest way for that is meditation. Where during meditation you find thoughts flowing in and out of your mind and you watch them as an observer. That is how the power of those thoughts, inhibitory thoughts would gradually fade away. For in love-making there is no such thing as frigidity nor impotency. It is just a conditioning which man brings upon himself because past experiences perhaps.

6. CAN 83-1 I had occasion when s omeone came to see me and he told me that he feels so inadequate because he was genetically built very small and I said that doesn’t matter. Life is an art and so is love-making an art and I went into details explaining him and giving him confidence and slowly, slowly he got over that. Do you see? See what I am trying to point out now that there are various levels, even in the bond between two people and of course the worst is bondage between two people. Bondage is a compulsion or something forceful or forced upon each other. While a true bond is, in spite of the petty differences, in spite of the petty squabbles that love is always there, as it should be. So many people take things for granted. The father was showing his daughter his marriage album and explaining the daughter, a little 6 year old little daughter. This is what we looked like when we were married and we were married in this church and these are the pictures. He explained that they got married. So the daughter says “Oh Daddy, I see is that the day when Mammy came to work for us?” Yes and that happens in many homes, where the wife is just regarded as a . It happens a lot in Eastern homes, I know more so that in the West, where you are only taken to be a piece of furniture, a paid servant. People have worked out that if a woman should be paid for everything she does, the salary would amount to five figures at least, a year. A wonderful contribution the woman plays in a man’s life. And of course, man too being the provider and protecto r goes through so many problems in his work-a-day life. He doesn’t come home, he shouldn’t come home and pour it on his wife’s head because she has had a long day too. One day a man came home and he found his house in a shambles. The beds were not made up, the dirty dishes were piled up in the basin, the children’s toys were lying around, the books and things were lying around, the house was in a shambles. So when the husband came home from work he asked, “What’s happened here?” So the wife replies “You always say ‘What do you do the whole day at home? So today I did nothing”’. So here the appreciation that is so, so important and when a man truly loves a woman, he appreciates from his heart and not just a politeness, ’Oh thank you darling, thank you honey and what have you’. No, no, no from the heart and when anything is appreciated from the heart from the level of love then it is very deeply felt by the other person. You do not even need to say thank you by words, just by a glance, a look and she’d know how much she is appreciated. So now this bond can go back into so many previous lifetimes. For if you are very fortunate enough the bond might start here. If two people tell me they have fallen in love at first sight there wouldn’t be any great truth in it unless there was a bond of the past. But who knows if there was or there was not. If two people meet each other, say they fall in love ninety nine times I would not believe it an infatuation has occurred, infatuation. True love takes time to develop. You

7. CAN 83-1 grow in love. You grow. As the leaves on the stem grow, so the flower too grows. It’s a combination. Can you say the leaves are apart from that stem on which the flower stands so beautifully, is the stalk apart? No. Are the roots apart? No. It forms a wholeness and in this variety of life, if everything is coordinated then you can surely say that I have experienced some love. But experience the highest acme of love. The finito would be when two melt away into that which we could call Divinity. God-head. And then you don’t exist and she doesn’t exist, only Divinity exists. It’s no use loving a woman because she is so pretty and so beautiful or a man so handsome. What do you really know? When you have real love, you love God and love is God and that is how one merges in each other to find not happiness for that is temporary. For with happiness there would be pain but one experiences an indefinable joy. There is just that oneness and you can be thousands of miles apart from your beloved and yet experience that oneness as if he or she was just there near you all the time. So many men try to be superior than women. So this one man goes to a bookstore and he says at the counter, “Have you got a book, something like ‘How to master a Woman’?” So the attendant says “You’re in the wrong department Sir, the fiction section is on the other side”. So we must forget mastery of anyone. Real mastery is within ourselves and if our hearts are filled with love, you can attract that love. You can attract that love. The main cause of divorces are because it started off on the wrong footing, it started off with selfishness, infatuation. Many a man would say, or a woman would say ah he’s rich he can look after me, he can provide for me I will marry him. It’s the wrong way. This one man proposed to this girl and he says “I love you very much and would you marry me. Now remember I am not a rich man. I’m not a rich man, I’m a hard working honest man, but I am not a rich man. I’m not like Jack who owns a yacht and a big mansion and half a dozen motor cars. I am not rich like Jack but I love you”. So the woman replies ‘Well that is true, but tell me more about Jack’. So it is selfishness and anything based on selfishness could never last. It has to be selflessness and then only things can last and love is so vast, it is eternal. You start realizing that two waves in the ocean are none other but the ocean and when that realisation dawns through spiritual practices, the two waves might go up and down and yet the inner knowledge is there that it is just but the water. It is the ocean and that one discovers when one dives a little deeper and finds the calmness, for the other side of love is peace and peace brings joy and calmness. The word consideration - you must be considerate to others and very true in a relative sense but consideration also means that you have considered, you have deliberated a certain thing and therefore you are being considerate. You see?

8. CAN 83-1 You see how it is based just upon thinking of the mind, while love does not think. So you’re considerate to your staff, you’re considerate to your servants, you’re considerate to this that, you feel for them, fine. But to your wife you must never be considerate because consideration, considerateness implies pre-thinking and the kindness which is considerateness that comes about must be totally spontaneous, then it is a mark of love without pre-thinking. You think oh this morning when I left for work, she wasn’t in a good mood so let me take a bunch of flowers to her. Here you’re reasoning, you are weighing up pros and cons not to make her happy but so that you could feel happiness yourself not meeting up with a sour face when you reach home. So you are doing it for yourself. You see ‘Oh this will please her we had a little squabble this morning she burnt the toast and I lost my temper’. So now you take - feel remorseful is good this is still on the lower rungs of the ladder. But if those flowers were brought home just spontaneously, an impulsive act that is not thought about before for any particular result. That is love. So love demands and requires an ease, a spontaneity, a spontaneous action where you just flow and when you can just flow, you will find yourself more relaxed. The stress and tension goes because you are flowing. Then neither, there is no fight and neither flight but flow and that is the mark of love. That is a mark of love. So to experience true love to experience the highest thing that a man can experience is love and when you experience love you experience God for God is love. And you do not need to believe in a power above or a power below or Divine energy, forget it for the moment, the reason we know and that very Divine energy you can find in your beloved, if you are totally merged in her or she in you. And yet the minds do not even need to think alike. As I said before, they might have different interests why not? You can pursue your interests, you like tennis and I like football. It does not matter at all. So love does not seek for outer attractions. I can only love a woman because she is attractive that is a misconception and a selfish attitude. For here you would be projecting your ideal of beauty. It is your mind that has projected the ideal and when after living together for a little while, the ideal is not met up with then the trouble begins and then divorces take place and separations take place. Unfortunately in the Western countries there is one divorce in every three which is unfortunate. While in the East, you might find one divorce in every fifty thousand. And yet marriages are all arranged. In my time they were, today times have changed, the Indians have become Anglicised . They try to become modern, so called modern. But when marriages are arranged, those marriages at the age of fifteen, going on sixteen. My parents arranged that marriage. I was taken around to see so many various girls and I liked Lata – and the only words - for her she was not allowed in the room but the way to introduce her is she brings in the tray of tea and she puts it down on the table and you just have a glance at her because her eyes were drooped. She could hardly look at me. Yeah that’s all, no conversation, nothing. She is a lovely girl. I like her and when I reached home my parents asked me what have you to say son, I say yes, good. And her parents asked her what have you to say, she said good and the marriage is

9. CAN 83-1 arranged. Fine. Not love making courtship first and then marriage but here it’s the other way round first marriage and then the courtship begins. It is enjoyable, beautiful, an exploration. In the West they explore first, they explore first and then they get married. In the East in my time, they used to marry first and explore after. And that can be done with Divinity. You find through practice of meditation you find Divinity in an instant when you’re ready and then you start exploring the various facets of Divinity. But the most important quality is this. I am married to Lata and I accept her as my wife and she would say ‘I married Preatam and I accept him as my husband’. Acceptance and from that word, love blossoms. It is nurtured by this acceptance. So when two people say that they are incompatible I am not prepared to believe it. Compatibility can be brought about if both parties are willing to do that. So, on the lower rungs of the ladder a lot understanding, a lot of patience, a lot of tolerance and all that is required. So from it starts with dependence and then to interdependence and then to independence. They both grow in their own beauty and because becoming more and more beautiful, they merge together and then real life is experienced. For life is joy, life is love, life is God. So you see, God experience and then life becomes worthwhile. This young couple were in love with each other, so the woman asks “Darling would you die for me, you say you love me so much, would you die for me?” So he says ‘No, because mine is an undying love’. (Laughter) Yes. Yes. So, then you have other marriages again. One couple got married and they were having a tough time together. So this fellow started wandering. He says there must be something wrong here. So he went to the marriage office, marriage Licensing Office, so he calls the clerk and he asks the clerk ‘When you issued the license to me, didn’t you make a mistake perhaps?’ So the man behind the counter asks ’Why?’ ‘Because’ he says ‘I am living a dog’s life’. (Gururaj laughs) (dog’s license) (laughter) Good. Tonight will be a short night thirty five minutes and we can have a Rapid Fire question and answer if you like. What time do you wish to end, Chetanji? Chetan. I think it is the first night and people are coming from all over. Gururaj. Yes, people have travelled long distances and they are tired. So I am glad we talked on a very light subject tonight instead of exercising too much of the grey matter if there is any.

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