This day that has begun will never end, for the beginning is the ending and the ending is the beginning” Your Preatam
For many years I have written diaries, in Danish, of course. I don't really know the purpose. I never read them because I don't particularly live in the past. Of course there are wonderful moments I like to remember, but nostalgia is not my favourite feeling. I think the present is more than interesting and deserve my full attention.
Bjørn as well as Benjamin understand and speak Danish, but will they, the day I am off to other shores, spend time on mum’s outpourings, I doubt. That's why it has crossed my mind several times to throw away the diaries.
It has never come that far. And now, recently it struck me, that I probably had written my experiences with the Guru. I like to imagine, he is responsible for these thoughts of mine, but to be honest I think they certainly came to my mind because of the COVID. In any case, because of the confinement I do not have the excuse for not having time to retype the stuff.... So, here we go...
March 16
It's half past 9. I’m in my bed in The Hayes. I have a headache, though it's getting better. The room is a bit cold but it’s ok. I said good night to Jytte and Jean Marc. It's his birthday today. When I think of it…. only 12 hours ago I was in the airport waving goodbye to the family.... Bjørn wanted to come with me... And here I am. It's not too bad, the flight went fast, and then it took me two hours to get to St. Pancras where I had my train. But the train journey from there was more than enough.... Opposite me sat some Asians. one of the girls talked and talked and talked. She complained about a cup of coffee one of the guys had bought her and he didn’t get the change. She was furious about it and went on and on to scold him. I should have invited her to The Hayes to teach her NOT to pay attention to these petty things.
I took a taxi from the railway station. Who were sitting in the hall when I arrived? Jytte and JM. What else? It seemed so natural… They just arrived.... Soon people started showing up and our rooms were distributed.
Dinner was at 19hrs. We had just started the soup, when GURURAJ entered. How strange but incredible to be in his presence and finally see him.... After dinner (I threw it all up again) it was time for our first Satsang. GURURAJ seemed very tired and often looked at his watch.
Jytte says he has changed a lot in a year - She was here last year at the same time. How glad I am I have come. Never put off such things. Yes, nothing should be postponed, at least I learned that with Oluf's sudden death. Every minute and every moment are important.
March 17
I had a good night’s sleep and woke up with bright eyes. I still had a slight headache but took a pill.
I meditated and took my time before going for breakfast which consisted in juice, grapefruit, müsli, toast, jam and tea.
Then we all met for chanting... AIM, HRIM, KRIM, CHAMUNDA, YAVE, CHE, CHE... and meditation.
J. suffers from hemorrhoïder and had tremendous pain. She wanted to go to the pharmacy in Swanwick during the break, and some of us followed. We just had time. It was a pleasant trip and the weather is SO nice.
Afterwards we had Satsang with GURURAJ. He was wearing a yellow shirt. When he came in, he started by saying that the zipper in his pants had broken... But when he left, he announced that it was not true!
If you don't leave from here rested, it's certainly your own fault. It's so quiet. Not a sound in the middle of the day. If I lived here permanently, I would probably want to throw a bomb every now and then to shake people up a bit, but it's very nice right now, as the day is full of impressions and little things that might have importance in the long term.
Anton led the chant today. 5 prep. teachers were initiated in the evening... Anton, his girlfriend, the mysterious woman with the blankets, a guy and a redhaired woman. (I had spoken with her mother to during the tea break). We went to the bar, after a nice Satsang, and had a few pints of beer. I was standing next to J. who talked and talked. Around 11 o’clock, I finally succeeded to get away, my bladder on the breaking point after all the thin beer.
In my room I read a bit in the Bible and listened to an audio tape with GURURAJ. I meditated, but I think I fell asleep in the middle of the meditation.
Luckily it’s just Monday. There are many good experiences still waiting for me, I’m convinced.
March 18
I woke up at 6.30 and listened to a tape. I'm glad I brought the old tapes along... Afterwards, I meditated, got up and prepared myself. It’s foggy today, no sunshine like yesterday. After breakfast the chanting was led by the woman with the blankets. It was a disaster. It went like stick in wheels... Much too fast... I felt my irritation growing over this jab, jab, jab... At one point, half the hall laughed. (After all). It helped. Our Gong meditation afterwards was lovely.
J. was in much pain. I took her hand and tears ran down my cheeks by watching her. Why does she suffer like that? I hope it is soon finished. The food here... hmmm... You'd think they'd worked out how to make I as un-tasty as possible.
I bought the book "The Path of Unfoldment" and started reading it. I had borrowed it some time ago, and I now realise I had read it without really understanding a lot. It's like I'm reading it for the first time. Now it is understandable. But it's not the book that has changed.
Kirsten initiated me in Tratak, Pranayama and Gurushakti. She has talked about perhaps coming to Brussels to give me my mantra. It would be great. I'm a little disappointed not getting it here on the course as I had hoped GURURAJ would initiate me, but Jyotima had forgotten the form. (She said she had put it in a safe deposit box so no one else would have access to it. That sounds a little weird. But who knows?)
March 19
I've been looking forward to this day, it's the day of The Holy Communion and The Midnight Special, but that's how it is with surprises. For a surprise, it truly was. Rejoice in advance often brings disappointment.... The preparation was perfect. In the morning I took a bath and washed my hair, so in the evening I just had to take a shower. I got ready.
The Communion was nothing special to me. Others spoke, I had nothing to tell.
JM, Jytte and I were appointed to do the dishes after GURURAJ’s dinner with a few chelas.
We had fun, while waiting for the plates, but a little before midnight, as the dinner was not finished, we decided to leave and do the rest the following day, and went back to our respective rooms (mine was no. 330) to meditate and wait for the unknown. As far as I am concerned, nothing once again. I waited until 1 o’clock and then said to myself that neither GURURAJ nor Godot would appear.
But others had other experiences. JE heard GURURAJ calling. He went to GURUJI’s room, but was rejected... as no Guru had called upon him…. Here we are confronted with what is imagination, what is faith, what is truth?
March 20
It's the last day at The Hayes. We've had fabulous Satsangs. I had to leave one chanting, as many people started laughing. It became too much for me when I felt a pain in my heart.
We had a party and danced tonight. I had ordered a taxi for tomorrow morning at 7.30. At the Satsang, orchid leaves were thrown out to everyone, I ate a few. I guess it can’t do any harm! Afterwards our blessed objects were distributed. When it was my turn to receive my blessed earrings GURURAJ took and hold my hands, looked towards the sky, checked my name and nationality and asked if I was Irish?
During the party, J. told me about his wrecked marriage, but then all of a sudden “other buns came on the soup” (Danish expression!!!).... GURURAJ appeared disguised as Charlie Chaplin. He sang and made fun. J. and I danced as in old days. The live rock music was great and everyone loved it. I felt light as a feather, and we all danced with GURURAJ.
When I was ready to go to bed I went over and sat next to GURUJI and said I wanted to say goodbye and thank you. He asked me why I said so. “Because I am going to leave early tomorrow morning”, I said. I'll never forget the way he looked at me.. He said "no" and asked me instead to follow him upstairs as he was going to talk to me. When we were ready to go, J. said to me... "No, Britta, there will be no more tonight." I was pretty speechless. I hadn't asked for anything, but I was asked for something. GURURAJ went to the bar to say goodbye to someone. I asked J. not to interfere as this probably did not concern her. Although I did not feel obliged to explain, I said I just wanted to say goodbye to GURURAJ, but was asked to come with him. She later apologized.
Then it was the merry-go-round, a weird and rather unrealistic night. I think it was around midnight when he asked me to help him up the stairs. I held his hand and put the other around his arm as support. Slowly but surely we worked our way up to his room. Right away I was offered a glass of red wine. That was quite nice. He drank whiskey. Several people were present and, among others Peter Moore. It seemed to me J. was all over the place. At a moment when she left the room, GR said to me that she was stupid. I asked him why, in that case, she was there? He didn't answer.
And then the night went on with talk about starting a centre in Brussels. He asked me to do so and said I could get all the necessary help from Peter and the others in England as well as from Denmark. I said that I was still too inexperienced as I didn't even have the full techniques and asked if it wasn't to pre-empt the course of events, even though I've known deep down all along what was coming. I've always been aware he'd need me at some point, according to my dream when I was 15 years old, but I was hoping it would come later. Still, I can say I'm comfortable with the situation. I feel as it's my job. So, it's going to work out, right? Though he doesn’t look like dad, there is some resemblance. His hands remind me of my Dad's, and I told him.
He painted a watercolor for me, and I got my spiritual name Breeyani, meaning Creatrix. Now I drank homemade wine. He was still drinking whiskey... We looked at each other.... The parting was very difficult. I said several times I had to go, but he answered I should only go when he accepted so. And that’s how it was.
A painted plate and another watercolor later, and because all those around were also ready to go to bed, we finally managed to break up. GR said he would follow me to the stairs. However, I had promised Peter to stop by the room next door. Jean was already asleep. (Peter had gone a little before us). GR came along. Peter just wanted to say he could help me with various information related to teaching, as well as initiate me, if needed.
The farewell took place here. GURURAJ was facing me. He "touched" me, shoulder and right arm in particular. He went on and went on. We hugged each other. It was difficult. He kissed and kissed me. It was as if it would never end, and there also came remarks from people around (who had come little by little). And yet... what was more natural than the father saying goodbye to his daughter.. (His words.) ...."Dire au revoir c'est mourir un peu".
September 7
I flew this morning from Denmark with the boys who had been on holidays with my family while Michel and I were in Brazil. On our arrival in Brussels we took a taxi home, I packed out quickly and packed the new luggage and then we went directly back to the airport. What a fuzz. We were quickly in London - but then started the most tiring part of the trip. London is very big. And it took a long time to pass through. Waiting, carrying the suitcase and a certain fatigue which, after all, was there as I had not got much sleep the last nights... But at 8 pm we were in Nottingham and from there we took a taxi to The Hayes. At our arrival nobody was there neither a list of distribution of rooms, so I left the luggage in the entrance hall and found out the Satsang was in the large conference hall and not as last time in the TV room. We quietly went in. There he was, talking, but apparently not noticing we were coming as we silently sat down at the back of the room - but it was difficult to concentrate - as the kids started getting noisy. They wanted to go to the room. It had been a long and tiring day and they were a bit hungry and needed most of all a good sleep.
After the Satsang we had something to drink, but could unfortunately not get any food as the boys were a little hungry. However, they took it nicely, had a pack of chips each, and then we went to the room to sleep after first playing cards and reading a story.
September 8
First day at The Hayes. I woke up at 7.00 and meditated. Then the kids woke up and we took a shower. We went down for breakfast a little late. Afterwards it was time to play. We went for a walk in the park, played ping-pong and of course the usual card games! It doesn't give me much time on my own. But that's fine. It's great to have the kids here and share it with them.
At Satsang the boys constantly talked and argued. They wanted me to play with them so it was difficult to concentrate. Fortunately, there is a room next door where we could stay and at the same time listen to GURURAJ. I put a chair right on the other side of the door, so I went a little back and forth.
How nice It is to be here again. There are a lot of meditators I already know. Unfortunately, there are only a few kids around, which means not very many to play with for my boys. But never mind. There's an English woman who said her children are coming. She said as well if I needed a break just to let her know. Sweet of her.
Dhanjee's here. He came and greeted me when he saw me. JE, a nice Danish guy who was here on the last course, told me there were problems in DMS. Jyotima wants to withdraw. She has run DMS on her terms. The organisation is now divided into two camps and risks disintegration. I talked a little bit with her. She said she was getting married in December and introduced her boyfriend to us here on the course.
I have my doubts about certain information she's been coming up with. But what is truth when it comes down to that??? The eye that sees……
September 9
I woke up and meditated. The kids slept late, so we only came for breakfast a quarter to 9. It was a chilly morning and the grass was wet. I went for a walk with Benjy and showed him the cows in the field next to ours. The boys are starting to get used to the place and enjoy it. And the weather has been nice.
The morning Satsang was wonderful. So far, I find the course more powerful than my first one. GURURAJ seems in better shape, which of course means a lot.
The kids and I have met and spoken to many nice people. It's going to be a good week for the three of us.
I got the mandala technique today. It was a kind of experience. I don't know what it’s all about - but tomorrow we'll have the explanation and its purpose.
I got 3 audio tapes from Peter Moore for teaching. As well he gave me background material for the teaching, and we agreed that it was better to wait until the next course in the spring with my initiation as prep. teacher. I know too little about it yet and do not have too much time for it at this moment either.
Tonight’s Satsang was a little wired. At 11 pm, all Danes were invited to a meeting with GURUJI. After putting the kids to bed and they were fast asleep, I went up to be told our meeting was cancelled. The Irish were with him, but he was definitely not in good shape. Peter Moore popped by and told me the Guru had received a bottle of whiskey from some meditators and it had been hard to convince him to go to the Satsang….. "Good night my pig," as my little Benjy-boy says.
September 10
My morning meditation today was mandala. Though it was not as powerful as yesterday it was great.
Then the little ones woke up and we went for a shower. I had washed my hair earlier. After breakfast I finally found out where I could iron my white dress.
A little over 11 I was down and ready for the initiation to my spiritual name. He said it was Breeyana instead of Breeyani, as I had previously been told. I was very emotional and tears ran down my cheeks mixing with my mascara. That’s what happens to "ladies" ... (Referring to my sister's "happening" in Paris when, for the first time, she wore a pair of expensive Charles Jourdan shoes and laughed till she peed in her pants. The pee dripped and filled her shoes.) How often have we not made fun of this incident since….
At lunchtime the weather had improved. We had sunshine as yesterday, and could sit outside and enjoy it. The kids were in super form. We went into town and came back to a goûter in the garden.
We had Communion in the evening. H. looked after my boys at the same time as looking after his own son. He came to our room and the boys quickly fell asleep.
Then it was the Communion... At first I saw nothing, but then GR's face changed. I saw him as a Chinaman, and suddenly he had three faces, one in front and one to each side. It was amazing.
I had a beer in the bar with KJ, JE’s brother. We had a great time. Afterwards it was time for "Midnight Special". I went up to my room and meditated. I don't have much of an experience anyway, but during meditation I felt a warmth surrounding me and thought that the Guru had quickly passed by.
I slept well but did not feel 100 percent rested when I woke up.
September 11
Last full day. The week has gone quickly. Bjørn is sad to leave. It's been a nice day with good weather despite rain. You feel autumn is coming.
I had asked Jasmini for a rdv with GURURAJ. I got a few minutes before Satsang when we walked from the main building to the conference room. I was quite fed up with that. In a few words I explained Bjørn's ear problem to GURUJI, and he promised to look at it. When we were at the main building he asked me where in Denmark I lived. I said I lived in Brussels. "Oh, you are my Belgian teacher" were his words.... I was surprised but realised he probably sees us differently than we do ourselves. It was a good lesson to me..
At the Satsang he forgot all about Bjørn, so I went to remind him. He apologized, but promised to look into it in the evening.
And then we were called up, Bjørn was happy. We walked hand in hand to the Guru who picked him up on his lap, touched his ear and then breathed into it.
Then it was party time, last night's party. We had fun, talked and danced, and then GURURAJ showed up. He sang or rather screemed. It was horrible... wie gewöhnlich.
Later, when Jasmini and Raj were dancing I asked Jasmini, whether it was possible to have a chat with GR. She didn't think so. Tuku, who heard my question, told me just to go up as GR was sitting outside his room. Firstly he seemed a little reserved, but quickly it was visible he was happy to see me. He said he needed me and I should start the meditation centre in Brussels. I made no secret of how anxious I was about it as I think it's much too soon.
September 12
I packed this morning and then went down and had breakfast. The kids seem pretty impossible. I'm tired because I slept so little last night.
It's pretty sad to leave. It has been a great week and not least the kids have enjoyed it. Everyone walks around and kisses goodbye and "see you next time."
Then it was time for the last Satsang and lunch. GURURAJ had lunch with us.
I picked up my audio tapes and said goodbye to GURURAJ. It was difficult. He was so sweet... He said he loved me. THE MAN WHO IS LOVE....
I left with a group of Danes. We took the train to London. I had tried to get a room at their hotel but it was fully booked so the boys and I went to St Pancras and afterwards Victoria Station and straight to Brussels, as the idea of finding a hotel, unpacking and packing again was not particularly attractive.
Home sweet home…. How nice to be back in your own bed.