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March 15

I got up at 5. The boys and I took the train from Gare du Midi to Oostende and from there by jetfoil to England. It was the first time in my life. What a pleasant way to travel and the crossing only took 1 1/2 hours. We were already in London around 11. The rest of the trip went without much trouble. We changed in Nottingham and took a bus the rest of the way because of roadworks. On the bus we got to sit next to IW and her son who were also going to The Hayes. The bus drove us to Swanwick and we walked the rest of the way. Here we are. Back in good old Hayes among people we like.

The rooms were distributed. We went up and unpacked, then down for dinner at 19hrs. When we were about to eat, GURURAJ showed up. I was standing right on the other side of the door and as I saw him coming, I opened the door for him and kissed him on the cheek. Beloved GURUJI, it's great to be with you again.

March 16

The kids are so happy to be back. They're playing with Marcel, Tomsk and Joe.

Peter Moore has given me a few texts on teaching, including 10 pages about Tratak. I'll read them through so we can talk about it and see if I have any questions. We never found time to do so, but I promised to write and tell him if I had any problems. Everything is pretty understandable. I probably don't have many questions, but I'll still write to him pretty soon.

Jytte and Åse are here. It's great. As always, when I meet up with Jytte, it feels like we are never apart but together all the time. No separation. It's exactly the same sensation with Symi. I'm never away from my island, always there!

March 17

It's St. Patrick's Day. I woke up and meditated in bed. The kids woke up late. I had taken a bath and washed hair. Then it was their turn to be washed and dressed… Down for breakfast and then chanting and gong meditation. Jytte was having a healing at 10. I drank a cup of tea and then went up to change my clothes and prepare myself for Satsang and initiation. But the initiation was postponed. GURURAJ said we would do it in the evening instead. I was a little disappointed, but it didn't matter anyway. That's what happens with expectations…. We had our chanting and meditation in the afternoon.

The Satsang went according to plans and I thought the initiation would not take place, but in the end he said that now he would initiate us. He went behind us and put his hands on our heads. Afterwards he came in front of us and blessed everyone, dipped his two healing fingers in water and placed them in our ajna chakra. I think we were 12 to be initiated.

Now I have officially become a prep. teacher. Last time, when I was initiated with my spiritual name GURUJI had said that from now on my life would change. But isn't it more likely from today?

Afterwards it was celebrated with a beer in the bar. I needed it... The grapes from the initiation were eaten and the flowers pressed and kept in memory of this St. Patrick's Day.

March 18

Snow has fallen last night, but it disappeared throughout the day. It's a little cold, winter hasn't quite gone, but spring is on its way. Crocuses have piped out everywhere in the garden, which for a short time is covered with a white snow blanket. It looks beautiful. The day went with the usual activities, group meditation, chantimg and Satsang. I was invited to lunch with GURURAJ and took Bjørn with me for another healing. The food was no better than down here... After lunch GURURAJ wanted a haircut, and HT was called up. She swung with grace a pair of scissors and a (dirty) comb over the dining table. And then he looked at the boy's ear. I was moved to tears. And I am hoping for a miracle... GURURAJ said he would give Bjørn another healing. It's so great to be here and meet with all the people I know from previous courses.

This was the evening for "The Holy Communion". I put the children to bed early. They complained a bit, but are very understanding and accepting. I put on my green silk blouse and black leather pants.

I experienced a complete portrait gallery. His face changed all the time. At one point I saw two faces (male and female?) looking in the same direction. Several times he was a youngster with black hair, but also wearing a white wig. Other times he had 2 or 3 faces simultaneously. It was very powerful. Throughout the Communion I saw on his chest a skull.... After a while, Charles came to call him back. He patted GURUJI heavily on the cheek. It looked like it was dead meat he touched. I was absolutely terrified and afraid GR was dying and it made me cry.

I had a very deep meditation of about 45 minutes to our "Midnight Special".

March 19

This morning, after group meditation and on our way to a cup of tea, Bavna's husband came and called me up to GURURAJ. He wanted to give Bjørn another healing. When we came up we found GURURAJ sitting on a small chair at the end of the bed with half closed eyes eating breakfast. There was an American and an English woman with him. They looked at me as asking why we came, and I said we had been asked to come. The ambience in the room was quite heavy. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. But GR ordered me to stay and asked me to sit opposite him….. It weren't exactly loving words he then said to me. First of all he said that I was to blame for my boy's deafness on the one ear, that I was selfish, I had a sex problem and a very strong libido... What a mouthful here early in the morning... Later in the day, I was totally devastated from the remarks about Bjørn. The rest he had said about me didn't bother me.

I went up to the room and felt miserable, I cried and was unable to go to a Canadian's lecture about his experiences. I later found out I obviously had missed something as GURURAJ as well turned up and participated. I don't understand what he meant with his comments and in particular that Bjørn’s problem was my fault. I have to ask him before I leave, otherwise I’ll never find peace of mind.

It was party night, our last evening which turned out different than usual. R. didn't play his guitar as he used to. We started in the bar but went to the hall with the piano. Now GURURAJ showed up. It continued until 3 in the morning. I went over to give him a kiss on the cheek and said I would go to bed. He said everyone was ready to go to sleep. What a strange night. At some point, M. started screeming... Is this a madhouse?

March 20

Just after breakfast, IW and her son left without us saying goodbye. It was a pity. I must pick up my audio tapes and not forget to give R. my address so he can send me his record etc. I don't know when I can get out of here. We had chanting and meditation and our last Satsang with GURURAJ. He thanked us for coming. We left the hall to go for lunch. I had previously asked him if he would give Bjørn one last healing, so he asked us to come to his room. Before lunch, we went up there. He was busy with one of the young women, so I asked him if it suited him now. It was ok and he gave the boy one last healing. Bavna sat next to him and Rajesh dragged out a packed suitcase. All this seemed pretty surrealistic to me. After the healing, I kissed GR on the cheek and said goodbye. I figured he might come down and have lunch with us, but he didn't, so I didn't see him anymore before we left.

I picked up my tapes, exchanged money, picked up the luggage and found that a train from Derby at 15:40 was the best connection. Jytte was going to meet up with a friend C. who would come and pick her up, so we said goodbye to each other here. Bye, bye The Hayes.

FYI: At one point, when I asked GURURAJ what he meant by saying I was responsible for Bjørn s handicap, he just replied that it was not true!!

Who can pretend understanding a Guru?? Not me… Not at this stage at least.

April 1

During my lunchbreak I decided to go into town to buy some white fabric for a tablecloth for initiations as well as two frames for the Namaste photo and the emblem....When I was leaving the house I found in the mailbox a letter from The British Meditation Society. As I was excited and impatient to read it, I ripped up the envelope on the way to town. It was a letter from GURURAJ. He said that he loved me, but that his great disappointment was that I had not started The Belgian Meditation Society yet and he asked why I neglected his work.... I was speechless... Here I spend a lot of time preparing a way of teaching here, and then he provokes me like that. Honestly, I was QUITE angry about it and thought it was unfair of him. I felt sorry for myself... Despite other commitments such as full-time work, husband and children, he asked me to teach something I barely knew. The prep. technique… hmm… I had learned it in Copenhagen on a short visit to my homeland, tratak, pranayama and gurushakti on a bedside in The Hayes and I received my personal mantra by phone. Nothing was ever taught in a proper way and I got no preparation and real instruction in how to teach, I more or less had to find out by myself. How did he permit himself to tell me I had disappointed him by not having started the Belgian Meditation Society. I came back from The Hayes the 20. March. Today was the 1st of April.... Well, I was on my way into town to buy stuff for the puja table.… What a good April fool this was!!!!

It was on my mind for several days and I could not get rid of the feeling that he was unfair to me. This thought would not leave me, so I decided to write him a letter. I said I loved him and his teaching meant a lot to me, but he was pushing too hard in asking me to teach something I barely knew. I felt alone about the work and talked about the language problem.... Because though I’m fluent in French, it is not my mother tongue, etc. etc... I found many good arguments... The letter was sent... and I felt content, satisfied.... And relieved.

October 31

The day went on with preparations for The Hayes.

At midnight the phone rang. It was Jytte from Antwerp. She was eating in a restaurant with Jean Marc and they would come to Brussels.... What a surprise.... They came around 2 am and were "put to bed" in the double bed. I crawled in Benjamin’s bed next to him and got a short night's sleep.

November 1

We left Brussels and arrived in Oostende, said goodbye to Jean Marc and sailed to Dover. And here started the real trip which seemed long and quite exhausting, but at 19pm (local time) we arrived in good old Hayes in time for dinner etc. It was nice to be back, to see them all and first of all GURURAJ. He showed up when we were about to finish dinner. I went and gave him a hug and a kiss feeling a bit like Judas! It's weird how much his letter has affected me.

I've spoken to Peter Moore about it and he said it didn't really matter. I shouldn't take it that way. GR was only pushing to get me started, it wasn't that personal and I shouldn’t pay attention to it. How nice it was to hear. In any case, I feel better about the Gurushakti now, because frankly I've had a little trouble with it...

(I was curious to see GR’s reaction to my letter, but he NEVER mentioned it with a word!)

November 2

We woke up early, Benjy and I. I meditated. Then we went to take a shower. Afterwards we visited "his jungle" in the parc before breakfast, and then started the usual programme with chanting (it's powerful and nice) and Satsang with Preatam before lunch. I think he's in incredibly good shape, his face is more beautiful than ever. I get slowly get rid of my problem with the shakti, I feel. It's great. I guess deep down I still have some resistance.

We have been offered advanced mandala. I signed up for it. It's a whole new technique that no one is yet using. Jean and Peter Moore, Jaish, Tuku, Bavna, a few more plus myself were there. It turned out to be the most amazing experience of the day...

We met at 10 o’clock in front of the Satsang room. While waiting for GURURAJ we sang Frères Jacques. It sounded good and I thought that maybe little by little the French language would be accepted.

GURURAJ came and we all went into the room and sat down each one at a mandala. Firstly, we listened to a tape with GURURAJ's explanation of the technique. It reassured everyone, you could feel, and then Rajesh and Jasmini explained the whole process.

It was incredibly beautiful. I travelled through the entire universe, I saw the sun surrounded by a shining ring, the earth turning around, snow crystals and a starry black sky behind. I've never experienced anything like it. It was an experience "out of this world". It felt as an enormous gift from GURUJI to us, so fascinating, so strangely different, powerful, beautiful and so far from the outer world. We live in blissful ignorance of what goes on outside The Hayes when we're here. It is only when the day of departure approaches that the trivial down to earth problems emerge. We must try to live his teachings and in the present. It's hard, but it's important. Namaste.

November 3

Benjamin didn't even hear the alarm clock this morning at 7:30. I meditated in peace and quietude. After our bath, we went to the usual morning activities with chanting. During our tea break I was called up to the Guru. Peter explained I had started the Belgian Meditation Society. How great it was to be with him again - how natural. Everything fell into place inside me concerning the Gurushakti, and whatever last residual of doubt might still remain in my body it completely vanished here as snow in sunshine. He asked me to look into his eyes, and as he touched my body he said I had pain in my lower back, but he would now make it disappear. I said I felt as it was in my head, but he insisted. The pain came from my lower back. And he would give me a healing. He gave it to me with his feet, and rubbed mainly the area of the liver. Afterwards he said he had removed something who might have evolved into ??? Yes, God knows what....He seemed moved… I was moved… Later on he asked me to raise my hands - he made a fuzz about my red nails - but asked me then to hold out my hands/fingers and keep them a little apart. For a long time he observed them and said I was a great healer. He saw the energy going from one hand to the other and asked Peter: “Did you see that?”' but Peter saw nothing. Later he added: “Peter, she's very special.” "I know", Peter replied. Tears ran down my cheeks and GR wiped my tears saying: "I suppose I can wipe my daughter's eyes."

At the evening Satsang leaders of the various societies were called up and asked to sit at his feet. I was called up too. I realised many were surprised as they thought I lived in Denmark and of course knew nothing about Belgium, but little by little several came and asked me how I managed, how it went etc.

November 4

Today we had Communion and Midnight Special but as well initiations.

After the morning chant I went up and quickly changed clothes and put on my green suit, which I had brought along for the initiation. Anton and a Spanish girl were also initiated as full teachers. It was, as usual, emotional. When I came up to him – he was too tired to go behind us as usual - he started by touching my jacket in the Guru way. He then he looked at me and said: "You are very pretty". When he touched my ajna chakra, my heart was beating differently and I was completely gone. Han stopped and said: "you were far away". He turned his cheek towards me for a kiss.

Afterwards I was asked if I wanted to join him for lunch. In the room were Gladys and Masouni, with whom I had a nice talk, Anton and the beautiful Madhi, Jasmini and Rajesh plus a few girls laying at the Guru's feet. Gladys got a healing. After lunch we had a meeting outside with all teachers. Jytte wasn't there as I think she had fallen asleep.

At the evening Satsang quite a lot were having a healing. Afterwards was Communion. As usual I saw many faces, but this time the eyes, ears, nose, mouth and hair were surrounded by purple. It was incredibly beautiful.

After the Satsang we went to the bar before “Midnight Special”. I had a very very deep meditation and was completely outside time and space. But as usual, Midnight was nothing special.

November 5

Today after Satsang and lunch we met with Preatam to check the advanced mandala technique. I asked why the mantra should be placed between the anhata and manipura chakra. At first, he replied that we should just do as he said. Afterwards he looked at me and said I had a problem in this area, but asked me to come up to him. He gave me a healing and said that my problem was solved! It was amazing.... We had a good chat with him afterwards. Finally it was time to leave as he was going to have a little nap. There was a party in the evening. Jytte's friend, Sir C, came and attended the Satsang. Later on she stopped by my room for a glass of wine before we went down to the party in the Satsang room. GURURAJ showed up and, of course, set it all in motion. It was a nice evening with singing and dancing, but much of the time I just enjoyed observing... "To be the observer" as GURUJI says.

Tuku came over to me and said Bobby was sick. He threw up and was not well. I went up and tried to help as best I could, and apparently he felt a little better. In the middle of it all, the fire alarm went off. I took Benjamin and carried him over to the Satsang room, where the party continued. He sat on his chair and nicely without moving observed what was going on. But shortly after I could put him to bed, and the party continued.

Before I went up to pack and sleep a little, I promised Preatam, that he would get his sitar!!!!

November 6

I wasn't in good shape when I woke up, but the chanting did wonders. Benjamin came and disturbed, and I skipped the meditation and went out with him. We were having a great time just the two of us. Then it was the last Satsang this time. As always, it was beautiful and moving, but it is terribly difficult to say goodbye to GURUJI. I can't believe you can love a human being that much! When the Satsang was finished I went and kissed him and said thank you for everything. I was terribly sad to see him disappear.

We went over to the main building, said goodbye to everyone and got ready to leave. I picked up my audio tapes, and then went to the waiting car.

Aruni came with us. She chatted continuously, which was quite tiring, but luckily the landscape was beautiful and I could concentrate on that. We had sunshine with a light breeze and cows were in the fields. It helped! Finally, we arrived to Dover, where we went to a “Fish and Chips”, and had our first meal of the day. We dropped Aruni off and boarded the ferry. Four hours later we arrived in Oostende.

We continued to Brussels and put Benjy to bed right away. Jytte and I enjoyed having a bit of time to ourselves before going to bed. She is off to Paris tomorrow.